Planning the Defenses

As we spend time with the various people in our "spheres of influence," we many times hear pieces of advice that echo as one person after another shares. It's as if God himself is saying one thing and repeating it, time and time again.

Today, I was reminded yet again of the differences between man and woman, from a requirements gathering perspective. As my fiance and I were finding out the results of yet another in-depth talk on our soon to be marriage, one of her neighbors happened to be walking by. He began to share a little bit of some of the things he was reminded of this weekend at a Christian men's conference. As he shared, it quickly became one of those surreal moments where we knew the message was meant to be and meant for us. The pearl of wisdom we were left with was this:
"It's all about love and respect."
As a woman longs to be loved, and a man desires to be respected, it makes things tough when it's not happening. It's tough for men to love when they don't feel respected, and it's tough for women to respect, when they don't feel loved. But found in the tension of this catch 22, we found exactly what we ought be doing. However, if I am not being respectable, and my fiance is not being lovable, it makes things even tougher.

This is just one of the many examples of what "planning the defenses" looks like; simply making the effort to learn and apply wisdom to our marriages. On the same note but with a little sidestep, weighing the scales of reactive and proactive choices on a regular basis is a good assessment tool in anything we do. I've found and confirmed with the opinions of many that being reactive is often chaotic, and being proactive prevents many foreseen and unforeseen stressful situations. I've also found that a big difference between proactive and reactive living is the commitment.
When leaning reactive, it's easy to jump due to a lack of commitment. It's easy to run around our problems instead of face them head on.
On the flipside, when leaning proactive, it's not easy at all. It's a continual choice of commitment that requires planning and action, followed by more planning and action.

To wrap it all together; when we begin "planning the defenses," we're not only making a decision to build our castle wisely, we're committing to a life of action, we're committing to building our marriages according to a plan, and we're choosing to prevent potential problems by proactive living. But most of all, we're simply committing our lives to each other. Sound reasonable?

Scouting the Land

I remember when I first dreamed of what my marriage could look like. The biggest question wasn't, "what will it look like?" but, "where will it be?"

Everyone has been asked the question, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" But I guess this task of finding the land to build your castle is more along the lines of: "what do you want to be doing as a married couple?" -or- "what would you like to surround yourself with when you're married" -or- "what sort of soil would you like to build on, rock or sand?"

One of the things that held me up in preparing myself to be engaged, was making sure that I was in the place in life I wanted to live in. I wanted to make sure that the surroundings I would subject my marriage (and someday family) to, were exactly what I wanted. I think this is probably why I got so much attention and congratulations over the announcements of being engaged. It is such a large step in life: to find the land you'd like to be in. Making sure all the right resources are around; and making sure your neighbors are who you'd like to be your neighbors; because you're picking your place for life.

I've also heard this concept talked about in the career context as the "building you're leaning your ladder against." I like this analogy, in that it establishes the fact that you only have a ladder, and most likely someone else owns the building! But in the context of marriage: it's most definitely your building.

We have an amazing privilege to choose. I've always been perplexed by God's grace in letting us choose things. I could spend an entire blog just writing on that alone! But at the end of the day, when it's time to choose the land we will build our castle upon, it's the choice we hope we never have to make again.

May this land I've found be fruitful and abundant, flowing with milk and honey.

Building a Castle

Welcome!

My aim is to explore the making of a healthy marriage, as I embark on the adventure myself. So from the beginning your rest can be assured in knowing that "I'm not only the president, I'm also a client."

Many analogies can be played into telling any story. So for the time being, let us begin by looking at building a healthy marriage as if we we're building a castle. Now keep in mind, this isn't just any castle. We're not laying foundations for what a small business might look like. We're not preparing the land for any of our wildest fantasies. We're building a marriage. In my opinion this is the most important relationship we could have with any being, second only to The Keeper of our eternal resting place. We're making the choice to bind our life with another, in order to form one accord. This can be intimidating to most, but for me; it has always been an inspiration.

Here's an assumption: We know that the impact of the marriage union on humanity is grand. It is grand, and far beyond cool, and much trendier than any modern trend. I would argue that it is the biggest trend in any male/female relationship ever. From generation to generation, men and women recognize their need for help on innumerable levels. And since man was created, the only being suitable to meet the relational needs of man has been woman.

So the castle begins. Knowing the purpose we were made by gives us a design for a relationship. Not just any relationship, but the pinnacle of all relationships: the relationship that was designed to meet our relational needs.

Let my castle begin with me.